Unspoken
by ReAlLy In ThAt CaSe
Summary: A few seconds of silence is all it takes to lose the one you love. Slash Kogan/Jagan triangle.
1. Chapter 1

**This story was inspired by the song Unspoken by hurts, I do not own them or their lyrics. I certainly do not own Big Tim Rush.**

Logan,

Do you remember the day you told me you wanted more from me than friendship? If I could go back I would never have let you walk out that door Logie. I certainly would never have let you fall into James' arms. I wouldn't have left the words unspoken, I would have taken those steps to close the distance between us, and I would have given you all I am. Instead I choked on every moment I silenced my heart because you were only my friend, I was deaf to the words I should have said but was too afraid you could never return, I was blinded by the future I could never allow myself see because I knew you could never return my love. So blind I couldn't see you walk out the door.

One moment, faster than the blink of the eye, is all it took to change our destiny. Can't you understand that I needed a moment to understand what you knew all along; after all you were always the smart one. For a split second I wasn't the man you grew up with, for once I didn't have a plan, and for one instant the hurt in your eyes was all you could see. You know my life has never been simple; I've always had to plan and plot to get what I want. You're the only thing I've wanted that worked naturally. You couldn't see that I was only shocked that my dreams had become reality on their own.

The next three months we spent ignoring what happened was the worst thing that I'd ever experienced, until I saw you kissing James. I could swear you heard my heart shatter because you pulled away from him only to look directly into my eyes; you showed me that adorable smile and told me how James had picked up the pieces of a heart I didn't mean to break. Now every passing moment is the price I pay, having to see your face light up when you see your new knight in shining armor. If anyone else could give you what you need it would be James.

Nine months later and no matter what I do it seems we are only separating. I want to forget about the past year, I want to show you that you can look at me with the all the passion I thought I only imagined before; but now I only see that fire when you're looking into his eyes, into your future together. I won't take that away from you Logie, you deserve someone who isn't afraid to tell you how amazing you are; but you can't expect me to stick around wondering if you can hear my heart breaking. I don't think I'll ever get over you Logan, but I'd rather be lonely than fake happiness for my two best friends.

All my love,

Kendall

**This will eventually be Kogan, promise.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I still don't own Big Time Rush. **

Kendall's POV.

From this height California looks like an indistinguishable patchwork of forests, beaches, and cities; not nearly as intimidating from such a distance. I wonder if this is what my friends will eventually look like when I think of them, just a tapestry of memories and emotions that doesn't make me feel like a scared 12 year old boy faced with his family splitting in two. I was stronger then, I had my friends and more importantly I had Logie with me. I didn't understand why my father would abandon us back then. He had a family, he had a fulfilling job; I thought he had a life that other people would envy. I didn't realize being deprived of the one you loved meant the hole in your heart could never be filled, no matter how many accomplishments you tried to fill it with, you were always empty. I get it now Dad, I get why you left us for Zack.

Goodbye California. When Gustavo gave me the opportunity of a life time two years ago I thought I imagined all of the ways that we would leave California; I was wrong though because going separately was never an option. I didn't expect to be going to live with my father, but I don't think anyone else can understand what I've been feeling this past year. He is the reason I vowed never to be fake, I could never convince someone I loved them for fifteen years, I could never let someone believe they were living a dream just to wake them up and tell them it's a nightmare. That's why I don't blame my mother for what she said, I can only imagine what it feels like to have the only two men you loved both turn out to be gay, but telling me that I wasn't her son felt like the final piece of my heart had been crushed. Funny how the things we should keep to ourselves we always say, and the things we should shout from the rooftops we keep to ourselves. I closed my eyes for what seemed like the first time in days, I let the tears fall through my closed eyes as I drifted to sleep.

Logan's POV.

James and I were getting back from our nine month anniversary dinner. As we kissed in the elevator ride back to 2J I couldn't imagine things going any better, in the beginning I had my doubts about James. No one was sure about James' sexuality, we thought he just liked the attention; honestly, I thought he would flirt with a tree if the wind blew in the right way, but for all his narcissism and James-sexual view of the world he has never put me second. I know I'm not that special, I'm an ordinary guy with extraordinary friends who have changed me for the better. I was never the popular kid in the group; I was more interested in studying the innate social hierarchy of the class than being a part of it. Or as Carlos would say, I was a geek. James and Carlos worked to change that, they taught me to just go with the flow and how to dress "cool", whatever that means. And Kendall…

I can't think about Kendall while kissing James, it's not fair. It seems wrong to think about the past when you kiss the future.

"I love you, Logie."

"I love you too." I hate when James calls me Logie, Kendall has called me Logie since we were twelve and his parents got divorced. It was kind of our thing. I did love James though, we gave each other balance and acceptance. We got off the elevator, and I was shocked to see Mama Knight crying on the couch with Carlos trying to calm her down.

"It is ok…" said Carlos, "I'll fix the vase promise!"

Carlos, despite his good hearted fun loving nature, was a bit dense at times.

I sat down on the couch and put my hand on her shoulder, and said "Is everything ok?"

She got off the couch as fast as I sat down and said "I'm fine… I just need some space it has been an eventful afternoon, thanks", she practically ran to her room.

"Dude, what the hell did you do?" James yelled at Carlos while smacking him up side the helmet.

"I came in and I was really excited about my date with Stephany, and I sort of crashed into the vase. So I called out to Kendall to help me fix it and that's when Mama Knight came in and saw me piecing it together she started crying and… I didn't mean to break it!"

"Carlos, relax I don't think that was about the vase. I don't know what it was…" then it clicked "where is Kendall?"

Carlos checked their room, but Kendall wasn't there. I told James to call his cell, but it went straight to voicemail. I started getting nervous. Kendall never turned off his phone just in case one of then needed him. Thinking back he has been acting strange the past few days, in fact it started when Gustavo gave us two weeks off because he needed to make some "artistic adjustments" to our songs. "I think we should go find him. Why don't you guys go find Jo and Camille, I'm going to stay here with Mama Knight just in case she comes out."

James and Carlos left and I decided to check Kendall and Carlos' room to see if Kendall left his phone here, that would at least settle my mind. The room was clean; we knew Carlos was a neat freak but Kendall not so much. His bed was made, his clothes weren't all over the floor, and his desk was empty. If I was nervous before, now I was scared. I went to my room to think for a second when I saw an envelope on my pillow. What I read didn't make me cry, it made me numb. Kendall was gone. I laid in my bed and no other thought crossed my mind.

**This will be the last chapter whose main focus is the present for a little while. I just wanted to give a taste of how James and Logan's relationship is going now. The next few chapters will be concerned mainly with specific past events of the past year. It will alternate perspectives between Logan and Kendall. It may get confusing because I'm going to have them tell the stories in reverse. Logan is going to tell his view from beginning to end, Kendall will start with the ending and move to the beginning. They will meet briefly in the middle for some Kogan. Yes, Kendall is really gone for now. Our characters won't be crossing paths again for awhile. But when they do, the friendship gloves are off.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Ok chapter 3 is finished. I decided to compress the past into a chapter. I really want to get to the future, but then whenever I end up that would just be the present so I'm stuck in the now it seems. The point of this? Even in the future, or the present, I don't own Big Time Rush.**

**Logan's POV**

I'm not sure when I fell asleep, but I know I did because I saw what was coming in my dreams. Without James we weren't Big Time Rush. I without Kendall I'm not even sure we are a group now. Kendall was our leader, our glue, what would hold us together? Where are we…

"Logan! Wake up sweetheart, Mama Knight is ready to tell us what happened. Come outside when you are more conscious."

I walked into the living room of 2J and Mama Knight wasted no time beginning.

"I fucked up."

I thought I knew what Mrs. Knight was going to tell us, what I didn't expect was for her to break down telling us how Kendall came out to her and told her that he was moving in with his father.

"Mama Knight, it's not your fault he is gay…"

"No, but it IS my fault that I told him he wasn't my son anymore. I… I just broke down and could only see Jerry telling me he was leaving me for his best friend Zack… I panicked and… and…" she broke down sobbing.

"That's not why he left though, I'm the reason he left." Suddenly everyone's eyes were on me, I could feel James' eyes trying to borrow into my head. "It started about a year ago…"

**One year earlier**

I was walking away from the Palm Woods as it started to pour. "This couldn't be more perfectly cliché if I tried; I profess my love to my best friend, he rejects me and I get to walk away with a broken hearted alone in the rain."

I felt a hand on my shoulder "Actually, you're not alone." I screamed like hell.

"Logan! It's me, it's James! Stop screaming!"

James and I found shelter from the rain, and I told him how I feel in love with Kendall when we were twelve. I didn't know what it was then, but I knew it was something. I knew all those small gestures and touches that made my heart flutter were too strong for this to be a one sided love, but I also knew coming out in Minnesota held its own difficulties. When we came to California I realized it offered other opportunities, opportunities that were seemingly impossible in Minnesota. I divulged to James my heart that night, and I told him how disgusted Kendall looked when I told him that he would always be more to me than my friend. How he looked horrified that I thought of him as my past, present, and future.

James was different though. He hugged me and told me that I was ok, that he understood what I was going through better than I knew; that if Kendall couldn't see what he was missing, then he didn't deserve me and that there would be other guys bagging down my door. We discussed it at length, but James convinced me it would be best if I switched rooms with Carlos until the awkwardness died down a bit. Gustavo had the flu and so it would be easy to avoid Kendall for a while, at least until I could face him again.

**Present Day Kendall's POV**

My dad had picked me up from the airport; if I could get any further from California I would but New Jersey would have to do for now. We had a nice awkward silent car ride; I didn't really feel much like talking. When we got… home? I guess this is home now. When we got home dad sat me down on the couch and looked me deep in the eyes.

"Kendall, I think it is time you gave me the full story now. Why are you leaving everyone behind?"

"Well I told you most of the story, but things with Logan have been especially hard since about 6 months ago. That's when things really changed in my mind…"

**Past 6 months ago to present Kendall's POV**

I really didn't think James and Logan would stay a couple for so long. I've known James for my entire life, and he wasn't exactly the faithful type. James was great when it came to being loyal to his friends, but his romantic interests lasted about as long as the attention span of a goldfish. He didn't intentionally hurt people, but James was always about the attention. Then again, I've always enjoyed being the center of attention as well. Which is why when I first met James we weren't exactly friends, we were more like rival schools fighting for first place. Lucky for me I always came out on top, but I also realized if the two of us worked together we could win at just about anything.

That's why the last few months have been killing me. It feels like James has won at the one thing I wanted to win the most, and he knows it. Every kiss they share in front of me, every "secret touch" they share, I know James is doing a small victory dance in front of me, he is rubbing my face in not seeing this sooner and I grew to hate him for it. The past six months I've felt my anger and hatred grow like mercury rising, and I realized if I didn't leave I was going to do something I would regret.

**Past Logan's POV**

As time went by James and I grew closer, we began building our own secret little world. It was intoxicating being around you James; you started making me the center of your attention and I could see how sincere your interest was. I finally found the courage to ask you what you meant when you said "I understand better than you know." Then it was your turn to expose your heart to me, when you took my hands and told me that I was all you could see. We came out to everyone a few months later and we never really tried to hide our affection from anyone.

**Present Day Logan's POV**

"Logan, I understand you and James have a lovely little beginning. I have no idea what this has to do with Kendall leaving though."

"I know, sorry Mama Knight. That came later on, but I just wanted you to know what he was experiencing the past year…" I looked cautiously at James. It was time for him to know, but I didn't want to hurt him; and I didn't want him to find out this way but I had no choice. "I didn't really know what this was doing to Kendall until about 6 months ago…" I hate this, I can see you getting agitated.

"James, you have to understand… It was the week we broke up when Camille told me she saw you with another woman. I know you weren't cheating now… But Kendall comforted me that week…"

"And how exactly did he do that?" I could hear the anger in his voice, even though he tried to hide it. I had to tell him. I decided it should be like ripping off a Band-Aid.

"I lost my virginity to Kendall… and you know… bleep blop bloop" The look on James' face was hard to describe. He looked pissed… but also relieved?

"Logan, I think I deserve more of an explanation."

**Present Kendall's POV**

"Kendall, I don't understand. You know that there was nothing between you and Logan, he moved on and is committed to James. James doesn't deserve you hating him just because he was open with Logan."

"Dad, I… I lost my virginity to Logan."

"Then you realize that James should be mad at you, not the other way around. If he knew you had any feelings for-"

"He did."

"What?"

"The only person who knew how I felt about Logan was James. He was the only one who I talked to, and the night Logan left he told me he would help me find him and sort everything out. He knew that I loved him from the day you left." I felt the tears coming. Dad was speechless, I can't blame him.

"I think I need to lay down for a while, thanks for listening dad."


End file.
